(von Jeannie)

Where are you? What are you?
What am I fighting against?
Where is my opponent?
I can’t see him but he is always there.
Hanging around, telling me to worry and just think things over again.

I hate it.
I can’t stand it.
It’s depressing.
It’s humiliating.
It’s demoralising.
It’s shameful.
It’s embarrassing.
It’s upsetting.
It’s distressing.
It opens its big mouth and swallows me up.

How the hell should I feel proud of myself?
How should I feel strong?
How should I believe in myself?
How should I stand tall
when all the time something else is telling me otherwise?

How can I feel strong and have the courage to fight?
To fight something I don’t know.
How can I feel special
when my mind is telling me I’m stupid?

I’m going to have to take over.
I’m going to have to fight?
I’m going to have to find myself
amidst all this chaos.
I’m going to have to trust.
I’m going to have to trust myself and my own feelings.

I can’t! I just can’t.
I need my obsessions.
But why?
I need them to tell me what’s right and what’s wrong.
I need them to protect me –
but from what?

I just can’t seem to find the right way out of here.
I don’t know which door to open.
I don’t know what to trust.
I’m petrified of trusting my own feelings.